Kids really do say the darndest things

April 06, 1997


Staff Writer

It's been a while since my last "Kid Talk" column, and think it's overdue, mostly because kids say the most outrageous things. Things that make you scratch your head. They give you a new view on life, and that's something we all need to do once in a while - see things differently.

This is about the legendary Samantha, a.k.a. Sam, my friend's precocious 7-year-old daughter, and her pal and younger brother, Ryan.

  • Sam and her brother were playing in the living room. It must have been a rough day. "Let's take a commercial break, Ryan," Sam said. The two heaved a heavy sigh, got up from the floor, and headed into the kitchen for snacks.

  • Sam, on an upcoming trip to the National Aquarium: "How much fun is it going to be? As much fun as playing with a thousand elephants?"

  • Sam, on herself, Ryan and her older brother Taylor: "The oldest is thought to be smart. The middle child, well, she's rather unique. The youngest? He's thought to be a dumbbell."

  • Sam, a couple of years ago. She was concerned about the pace of her learning: "Terry, I don't think I'll every be able to read or tie my shoes. At one time I thought I was going to be an adult with training wheels on my bike."

  • Sam was on the telephone when her mother told her to hang up: "I will go as quickly as a soul leaves a corpse to fly to heaven."

  • Sam, thinking. This is always dangerous...: "How many Indians are there left? Are there as many as there are pandas?"

  • Sam, thinking again: "Mom, is putting garbage in a volcano good? Is garbage allowed to go into a volcano...Mom, are there any savages in this area?"

  • On the occasion of Taylor's birthday: "Happy Birthday, Taylor. You're a teenager now...Mom, are you going to kick him out now?"

  • Ryan was pointing to his body parts, and letting me name them. "Ear," I said. "Nose. Armpit. Leg..." Then Ryan grabbed the back of his knee and looked at me challengingly. "Uh...kneeback?" I said. Seemed as good as anything to me. He glowered at me. "NOOO!" he said. "Kneepit!" Of course. I should have known.

  • Sam to Ryan: "We live in Waynesboro, Pa. A man named Penn found a Sylvania and a man named Wayne found a burro."

  • Sam to her mother: "Mom, will you get me a centaur for my birthday. A girl centaur?"

  • Sam: "Do you know what a hacker is? It's a person who plays with computers and breaks them all up. Kind of like a bull on an innocent playground."

  • Sam: "I forgot. I guess that's why I can't remember."

  • Sam, handing a broken doll to her grandfather, whom she calls Opa: "Opa, will you fix her for me?"

    "Gee, Sam, I don't know if I can."


"Of course you can! You're so mechanical, so fantastic...YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!!"

  • Sam: "Even my doll's hair is healthy. Look at it shine!"

  • Kids can be funny, and they can be touching, and they can be both at the same time. Take Sam for example.

    "Are you sad because your dad died," she said to me recently.

    "Yes, I am, Sam," I said.

    "Well, so am I," she said. "I didn't know him, but I really miss him too."

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