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Super Bowl ads not as good as game

January 27, 1997

Are commercials getting more incomprehensible, or am I just getting dumber?

Don't answer that.

I tuned into the Super Bowl on Sunday not because there was any doubt about who would win, but because that's when corporate America unveils its best and brightest commercials.

Imagine my disappointment when the game was actually more interesting than the advertisements.

The big winner, according to public opinion polls, was the Pepsi ad with the bears dancing to Village People music.

No. 1: I don't get it.

No. 2: Where can I find some of these drugs that the advertising people are obviously on when they draw up their copy?

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You're telling me some normal, non-intoxicated, non-brain damaged adult sat down in a big-city office one day and said "Let's get some people dressed up like grizzly bears and have them hop around in a Disco-era fit to the tune of YMCA"?

And then 10 other normal, non-intoxicated, non-brain damaged adults said "Hey, great idea. Let's run with it?"

I don't think so.

The only part I can believe is that 120 million abnormal, highly intoxicated, heavily brain-damaged yo-yos who are the football watching public (much like myself, come to think of it) thought "Wow, what an insightful ad."

I thought all the commercials were junk. I marginally liked the Budweiser ad with the chicken, but it was too predictable. I'm told the ad with the pigeon was good, but it was too long and I got distracted mid-way through.

The one with the transvestite was OK, but for the life of me I can't remember what the advertisement was for, which is probably a disqualifying factor.

At least it didn't have an animal in it. Technically, that is.

When did New York City pass the ordinance mandating every television ad have an element of wildlife.

Pigeons. Dogs. Bears. Roosters. Pigs. Deer. Who do I look like, Noah? Am I a member of the American consuming public or a Friend of the National Zoo?

Memo to Madison Avenue: Animals do not make me buy things. I do not see a dog doing something cute and think "Gee, I should buy that brand of dandruff shampoo."

I do not see a talking deer and think "I must have that car."

Bears and Roosters do not make me thirsty.

Pigs make me hungry, but not for corn chips.

And even if I did want soda and corn chips while I'm downtown where would I buy them, now that McCrory's is figuring to close? And where will I buy all my literature? I have a hunch I'll have a hard time talking Pam Reed into stocking The Globe.

My friend Dave, always one to look at the bright side, took the McCrory's announcement in stride. "At least now there will be a spot for the Civil War Medical Museum," he said.

We all know how tough it is to find space downtown.

But then my friend Bob, always one to look at the dark side, pointed out that the McCrory's location wouldn't be historically authentic "because some of the merchandise on the shelves probably predates the Civil War."

In all honesty, I loved Mayor Steve Sager and Council Member Susan Saum-Wicklein's attempt to steal back the medical museum from the City of Frederick. It had such the air of a grown-up fraternity prank. What do we go after next, the Hood College mascot?

It would be great if it worked, though.

Heck, why stop there? Why don't we start an actual Civil War between Hagerstown and Frederick? Now there is a real tourist attraction. Hagerstown and Frederick. Jim Bob and the Snob.

We'd win, of course. We'll teach all those Montgomery County transplants not to be so quick to give up their gun rights.

So hasten everyone! To South Mountain! Set up the cannon!

I'll get started on the ad campaign.

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