I guess it's a matter of priorities.
Human beings are dumb. We waste time doing stupid things like making beds. Does your dog make his bed? Huh? No. He scratches a little, turns a couple of circles, and plops. The next morning he goes about his business. It wouldn't occur to him to make his bed. Dogs aren't dumb.How much time we spend making beds during our lifetime. Think about it.Why a book on perennials cost more than the complete works of Shakespeare.What a Certified Business Location is. Ranson, W.Va., is a Certified Business Location. Every hamlet I've ever entered in every state I've ever traveled has been a Certified Business Location. That's what the signs proclaim as you enter town.
Maybe a better question would be: Is there any place in the United States that is not a certified business location? If you know of any, let me know. I would probably enjoy it there.Why that little church off of W.Va. 9 has never fixed the sign out front that says "Bible stud." Could it be that the sign's accurate? Could it be!?#@Where Elvis Presley is now. I want to know that so I can wrap his "G" string around his neck and give him one final TWANG!! (I fully understand when writing the above that I will receive hate mail from readers. Just try to keep it clean, please.)Why we have to call dumps "landfills". Landpiles, maybe, but not landfills. How does the saying go - "A dump by any other name...?" A dump is a dump is a dump.
The following are among the things I intend to do this year:
- Invent a device for people 50 and older that dissolves unwanted fat and lifts sagging soft body parts back up to where they were originally.
- Demand that the country's top appliance manufacturers admit, on national TV, that they know how to produce things that last forever.
I want them to admit that they have the technology, but purposely don't make things that last forever, because if they did they wouldn't make money.
If it isn't broke, they can't fix it. If it isn't burned out, they can't replace it.
- Petition the City of Hagerstown to put speed bumps in all alleys, in the dead of night and without warning. I want them to do it in my alley first, so I can stay up late, eat popcorn, and watch cars and pickups become airborne. I want very very much to be able to see the expression on the face of the driver of just one little speeding vehicle, as he hits the first bump at warp speed and whizzes past my window at eye level.
- Think of a way to use crow poop for profit. (As most people know, hordes of crows roost in Hagerstown. As many people don't know, one crow is capable of eating 1.5 pounds of food per day. What comes in must go out. Why not make money off the stuff? After all, they sell little animals made of zoo poop in specialty stores...)
- Put a metal device around my brother's head and use it (his head) as the conductor in an experiment to determine how much static electricity there is in a lightning bolt. (There is static electricity, isn't there? Oh, well, we'll find out).
- Try to be a better person.
As long as my brother's around, that last resolution might be tough to keep.