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Procrastinator gets jump on New Year

January 17, 1997

I know it's a little late for a New Year's column. If it's any consolation, next year's ought to come right around the 1st, since one of my resolutions is to stop procrastinating...if I ever get around to it.

Anyway, I resolved that I would spend time this year getting answers to some longstanding questions, and doing some things I've always wanted to do.

I swear I'm going to find out, among other things:

  • Why sheets are so expensive. Sheets are nothing but a large oblong of thin material that is hemmed. Don't try to tell me it's only the 200-thread count sheets that are pricey. I buy the see-through variety, and they're still not cheap.
  • The origin of bed-making. Not manufacturing, but "making." I want to know what obsessive-compulsive genius decided it was important for us to rearrange a perfectly comfortable rumpled bed into something neat every morning, just so we can undo it again the same night.

    My guess is it was the same person who made bed-making a military survival skill. A soldier may never grasp the ins and outs of self-defense, but by God that GI will know how to make square corners.

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I guess it's a matter of priorities.

Human beings are dumb. We waste time doing stupid things like making beds. Does your dog make his bed? Huh? No. He scratches a little, turns a couple of circles, and plops. The next morning he goes about his business. It wouldn't occur to him to make his bed. Dogs aren't dumb.

  • How much time we spend making beds during our lifetime. Think about it.
  • Why a book on perennials cost more than the complete works of Shakespeare.
  • What a Certified Business Location is. Ranson, W.Va., is a Certified Business Location. Every hamlet I've ever entered in every state I've ever traveled has been a Certified Business Location. That's what the signs proclaim as you enter town.

    Maybe a better question would be: Is there any place in the United States that is not a certified business location? If you know of any, let me know. I would probably enjoy it there.

  • Why that little church off of W.Va. 9 has never fixed the sign out front that says "Bible stud." Could it be that the sign's accurate? Could it be!?#@
  • Where Elvis Presley is now. I want to know that so I can wrap his "G" string around his neck and give him one final TWANG!! (I fully understand when writing the above that I will receive hate mail from readers. Just try to keep it clean, please.)
  • Why we have to call dumps "landfills". Landpiles, maybe, but not landfills. How does the saying go - "A dump by any other name...?" A dump is a dump is a dump.


  • The following are among the things I intend to do this year:

    • Invent a device for people 50 and older that dissolves unwanted fat and lifts sagging soft body parts back up to where they were originally.
    • Demand that the country's top appliance manufacturers admit, on national TV, that they know how to produce things that last forever.

      I want them to admit that they have the technology, but purposely don't make things that last forever, because if they did they wouldn't make money.

      If it isn't broke, they can't fix it. If it isn't burned out, they can't replace it.

    • Petition the City of Hagerstown to put speed bumps in all alleys, in the dead of night and without warning. I want them to do it in my alley first, so I can stay up late, eat popcorn, and watch cars and pickups become airborne. I want very very much to be able to see the expression on the face of the driver of just one little speeding vehicle, as he hits the first bump at warp speed and whizzes past my window at eye level.
    • Think of a way to use crow poop for profit. (As most people know, hordes of crows roost in Hagerstown. As many people don't know, one crow is capable of eating 1.5 pounds of food per day. What comes in must go out. Why not make money off the stuff? After all, they sell little animals made of zoo poop in specialty stores...)
    • Put a metal device around my brother's head and use it (his head) as the conductor in an experiment to determine how much static electricity there is in a lightning bolt. (There is static electricity, isn't there? Oh, well, we'll find out).
    • Try to be a better person.


    As long as my brother's around, that last resolution might be tough to keep.

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